All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
