Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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