When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
