I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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