But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Randomize
