she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
now i know why i became what i already was.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
