my mouth tastes like poor choices
you traded sex for a burrito?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
