btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i wish my penis had a tongue
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize