I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
