Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Randomize
