Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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