Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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