I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
