I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
