Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
