Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
