Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
