Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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