my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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