i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
