i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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