the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize