The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
