Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Randomize
