omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
