if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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