So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
