Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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