Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Redeem this text for a blowjob
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
