Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
