Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
