I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize