I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
