he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
