I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
