Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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