how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
