When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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