mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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