Don't make out with my wife yet
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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