On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
