He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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