I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
