i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
