I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
A+ Viking dick
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
