she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
A+ Viking dick
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
