so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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