How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
