he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
