i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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