I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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