Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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