You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
