Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
