he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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