i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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