the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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