Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
